Fun With Telemarketers

This entertained me so much that I felt the need to share it with you.  I will preface it only with a brief political snippet.

On May 8th, in the state of North Carolina, there will be on the ballot a legislatively-referred constitutional amendment that would define marriage in our state as the legal union between one man and one woman.  There are signs up all over the place either promoting or denouncing this amendment.  In fact, one entire church denomination has taken it upon itself to advertise its merit on every single one of its marquees.  (Not my denomination, however.)

Anyhow, a friend of mine posted this on Facebook earlier tonight.

You just can’t make up dialogue this good.  I hope you enjoy.

Can't decide whether it was TELEMARKETING FAIL or TELEMARKETING SUCCESS....

Caller:  May I please speak with the Male Head of Household?

My friend:  I beg your pardon?

Caller:  I am calling from the ______  Research Group…. I need to speak with the male head of household.

My friend:  Well, sir, you just called a lesbian household, and the only male here is a cat.  I doubt you’ll get many answers from him!

Caller:  OH MY – I’m really sorry – I hope I didn’t offend….

My friend:  Are you in NC?

Caller:  Yes….

My friend:  PLEASE VOTE NO TO THE AMENDMENT IN MAY!

Thanks!

For The Love of Pithy Dialogue

In trying to process what really wins me over in a book, television show, or a movie, I find that I like so many, many things.  In books, I want to “see, feel, hear, taste and smell” what’s going on – like a movie in my head but better, since I can involve the other senses beyond sight and sound.  In TV and movies, I look for the subtle emotion playing on the actors’ faces that can communicate volumes just with a look.  I love description.  I love sensory words and imagery.  I love narrative flow.  I even enjoy action and plot and climax and resolution.

But I guess if I had to pick one thing that really wins me over, I guess it would have to be dialogue.  I love me some witty banter, and outpouring of emotion, and violent arguments, and sarcastic mockery, and sweet nothings, and, well, you get the idea.

I have always enjoyed listening to drunk people talk.  Since I am always sober, it just amuses me.  This was particularly amusing in college.  Here’s a little sampling from my book, The Time Minders, that was inspired from certain conversations I overheard way back in my co-ed years:

“Gah!!  Gah-damn, absolutely fantabulous!!” Aardvark bellowed.

“Truly, shagging awesome, mate,” Bombardier agreed.

Angela often wondered if the two of them really spoke English as their primary language – at least when they were drunk.

“No more Fosters for either of you.  It’s turned you into a couple of Australian jack-ass wannabes.”

“Wallabies, mate.”  Bombardier commented.

“Huh?” Zeke asked, puzzlement sounding in his voice.

“I think you mean wallabies, not wannabes, Farm,” Bombardier giggled, obviously amused at his joke.  Angela just barely got it, and she was stone sober.

“Huh?” Zeke asked again, not following.

“Gah, nevermind.”  

One of my favorite shows on television is BBC1′s Sherlock.  I love it for so many reasons.  It re-imagines Sherlock Holmes and John Watson into the 21st Century.  It is fast-paced, brilliant mystery television.  It has fully-fleshed out, beautiful characters with a rich inter-relationship.  But the dialogue – now there’s the rub!  Sherlock’s dialogue is to die for:

Sherlock Holmes: Are you alright?
Dr John Watson: Yes, of course I’m alright.
Sherlock Holmes: Well, you have just killed a man.
Dr John Watson: Yes… that’s true… but he wasn’t a very nice man.
Sherlock Holmes: No… no, he wasn’t really, was he?
Dr John Watson: No, frankly, a bloody awful cabbie.
Sherlock Holmes: That’s true, he was a bad cabbie. You should’ve seen the route he took us to get here.

That’s a thing of beauty, isn’t it?  And the whole series is like that!

Jim Butcher’s Dresden Files series is a gem because of its constant barrage of witty dialogue.  Here’s a bit from Turn Coat:

“I’m not a doctor,” Butters said.

We’d done this dance several times. “You are the Mighty Butters,” I said. “You can do anything.”

“I’m a medical examiner. I cut up corpses.”

“If it helps, think of this as a preventive autopsy.”

And as for feature films?  Well, I don’t think it gets any better than one of my favorites, Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country (I will not hide the fact that I am an extreme Trekkie):

Martia: They’ll respect you now.
Kirk: That’s a comfort. I was lucky that thing had knees.
Martia: That was not his knee.
Martia: Not everyone keeps their genitals in the same place, Captain.

So, if you’re writing dialogue, make it flow.  Listen around you to how people talk.  Enjoy yourself.  It can be so much fun.

And feel free to post some of your favorite dialogue bits here.  It’s always great to study the masters!

Thanks!